Just had my fourth realization in the last four days. The accumulation of those realizations made me realize. This is serious. This is real. If this ends badly what now stands before you could easily be a crumpled heap of “what-ifs”, “used-to-be’s”, and lost emotions. It could be so horrible. However, If I have something as real as I do why would I dwell on unlikely catastrophic possibilities when I can bask in the very real blessings before me? I know that bad things happen but good things happen too. My most recent realization is a sign that this is most definetly a good thing. I am probably better off not to question it.
I feel like I have no one to run to. I feel like everyone I meet… Everyone one who seems a blessing to my life, every friend, every family member… They are wrong. Wrong for me. They use me. They abuse me. They are wrong.
My mother once told me I can’t trust anyone. I feel like that phrase broke me. I think differently because of that. In fact everything my mom told me changed me. Everything she said made me angry. The way she treated me made me angry. Now I’m away from her and I am so much happier but im still angry. She made it hard for me to trust.
And now I am meeting people and I naturally want to trust them but the voice she installed in my head tells me I can’t and I shouldn’t. I try to ignore it. I’m happy with my friends and my family and everyone but the voice tells me that I can’t trust them. And other people tell me by they are mean.. Or bad.. Or using me…. Or are running with the wrong crowd….
Why does trust exist if no one is trustworthy? What is trust supposed to do? Be put in a box and stuffed on a shelf? No. That doesn’t feel right. I want to have REAL relationships.